She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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