Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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