She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
