Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
