A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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