I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
