I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
