You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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