curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
