I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
