I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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