i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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