so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
