The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
