i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
