i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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