Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
