life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
