Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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