So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
