i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
