Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
