I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
