Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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