Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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