We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
