no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
