I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
