Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
