My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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