you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
