I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
