I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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