Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
