My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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