I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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