How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
