I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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