he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
