You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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