were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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