i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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