grandma shit on top of the toilet
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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