I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
