haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize