Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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