Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
