My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
