Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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