I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in itâ€
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
