the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
