Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
