I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
