Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
