i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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