How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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