i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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