There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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