ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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