How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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