i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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