I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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