My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
